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Love Yourself

Category : general

The last couple of weeks at work, home, and elsewhere have been.....uneventful, sometimes stressful, and mostly kind of depressing in a way.

I've felt like I'm not accomplishing anything, I've not made progress, and more importantly felt like I'm not moving forward.

It's funny, I wish I took my own advice a lot more... a lot more.

But that's what friends are for, and my really good friend made me realise so much from just talking with her for 3 hours.

She really annoys me sometimes (in a good way), because I know she can be right about a lot of things related to life, and I feel like I can't teach her anything or help her with anything really.

But I'm really glad I did talk to her, because talking with her made me realise a couple of important things.

I want to get more comfortable with myself, and be more open and honest with myself.

No more putting myself down, no more running away from what I really want, what I want to say, what I want to do.

Love myself more, be myself more.

There's nothing wrong with the me I am now, because the me I am now is the me that I am.


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"We are not our thoughts, we are not our feelings, we are not our moods."

There is so much power in that statement because it effectively means we all have the ability to assess, think about, and evaluate our own thought processes. Some call it "taking a step back", and I think it's pretty cool. You can choose at any one time to take a step back and think about how your mind is working, or think about what you're feeling at this very moment.

This ability, is one that puts us apart from all other living beings on this planet, Self-awareness. It's the reason why we still have "power" over everything Earthly and why we can continue evolving (that is until AI becomes self-aware, at which point I sincerely believe we will be screwed). But it's all thanks to this that we can evaluate and learn from somebody's experiences, as well as our own, and it's also why we can make or break habits, and examine ourselves.

I find that it's this way of thinking that limits your potential as a person, as a friend, and as a human being.
"we can't help it, それは仕方ない、しょうがない, there's no way, it's fate, it's the way I was brought up". We're already determining and conditioning ourselves to believe that our potential is no longer in our control.

But all humans at the base in their core, are all the same. Once you strip everything away. We're all the same humans living on this Earth. We are not our feelings, habits, thoughts, moods, or opinions or perceptions that people may project on us.

We are whatever we acknowledge ourselves to be, whatever we determine ourselves to be.

We are free.

In my life recently I've found that I feel like I always have a lump in my throat and that I'm always hesitating, always denying myself of anything positive indirectly.

I could never quite understand, and seeing other people always made me brim with envy, or generated so much insecurity in me. Whenever anyone seemed better than me at something, I never knew why, but I would get so defensive, I would get protective, I wouldn't feel safe.

Even when it came to my best friend, work, family, friends, anything...

It felt like I was being trapped in a vicious cycle.

And there's one book that was recommended to me.


Why Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of NarcissismWhy Is It Always About You?: The Seven Deadly Sins of Narcissism
(2003/08/07)
Sandy Hotchkiss

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At first, I was defensive, "there's no way this crap applies to me". "I always try to think of others". "Why did they recommend this?" "Am I selfish?"

It's good sometimes to realise when you're talking and when you're super-ego is talking, and my super-ego was in full drive, but I chilled out and tried to read it.

It surprised me how much of the book applied to me and how much of my layers, defences it was laying bare. I feel a bit naked, like a new born baby without any type of way to protect itself.

And I'm still reading the book, but the point I wanted to make, that there is one thing this book is teaching me.

To Accept and Love Myself, both my strengths and my weaknesses.
To Allow me to have fun and start living life.

Headphones: ON

Category : general

These last two years have been a really exciting time for me.

I've been able to do what was holding me up so much in life, CHANGE.

I've started my personal business.
I've started my graduate study.
I've been to Japan and am going again this Summer.
I've managed to begin to show confidence in things I do.
I've changed jobs and now manage a team of 20+ people.
I've managed to shake off people and things that were holding me back and have instead become someone that can support people now.

Even my friends and family are gradually starting to notice, but sadly, it's not the same for my online image.

And I think I know what the problem is: I care about people too much, I live for people online and not myself. I find myself constantly at the mercy of people's comments, moods and how I think they might feel.
A completely personal choice I know, and no one is to blame.

To put it into context, if I'm online for about 10 minutes and I'm chatting or doing something in-game with people I care about, the following thought sequences can happen

- Who is currently online? Check the statues of everyone, is everyone stable, are they okay?
Assess their initial moods in order to have a base level to do calculations later.
- No changes in thought moods or Skype/Steam/Twitter status messages, assume everything is good atm.
- This person has responded in this way, that must mean they are okay.
- Does this person feel left out, they haven't said anything yet.
- Is this person angry, frustrated, sad? I need to re-read everything they've said to try and understand.
- I think this person might feel offended somehow, what has happened in the last five minutes analyze all chats and actions.
- This person said they were feeling down before when this type of situation arises, so need to avoid that.
- This person has said something to offend another person, I need to calm the situation down unnoticed.
- Has there been about any changes in mood patterns, speech, words, actions? Is everyone happy and good?
- This person is drawing away attention to another point which will hurt someone, need to calmly bring it back.
- This person seems troubled about something how can I find out to help without being nosy and help.
- This person's actions and words aren't matching up, did something happen, quickly replay the last 10 minutes.
- This person has been quiet for some while, and avoiding, I need to make sure to PM later.
- The atmosphere seems stable at the moment, be sure to recalculate in another 5-10 minutes.
- and some days it can be a lot more intense than this to the point that interacting online becomes tiring, and exhausting.

While I think it's a good thing to care for people, it's bad if:

- People see you as someone who always puts people first
- You are unable to actually put yourself first and be who you are.

So, online I've decided to concentrate more on myself, and get things done that I've been wanting to do for months even years :)

Time to put on those headphones, and concentrate.
Over the last week I've been busy moving over most of my OSes over to CentOS (Linux), since I've been using it more and more for the servers I administer.
While doing so, I found some files, lots of really old files, files I should probably delete.

It made me think. and really over the last couple of days, it seems like I've done nothing but remember and reminisce.

You see, the biggest thing I fail at, is expressing myself properly, so I'm often misunderstood for so many things, no matter what the language, country, or setting is.

If I could I want to:

- Say sorry to the people I've deeply hurt.
- Say thank you to the people that protected me.
- Relive the times where I "loved" and thought I was being "loved" back.
- Show certain people that I've gotten stronger.
- Make certain people proud.
- Take back some words I've said, or things I've done.
- Change a lot of things...

but clinging to the past or thinking about it so much is never a good thing, and really, no matter how rough or how weird a past you have, there is one important thing.

You've got the present, the now.

「もう公開はしない。」

When you realize this your world that was so narrow before, becomes so wide. Then you start realizing that all people are alike in a lot of different ways, even though we come from a lot of different backgrounds, have experienced a lot of different things.

And with that in thought, you start to realize that there is no way you can sum up someone's past, their history, their potential, their feelings, or their thoughts with words alone.

So there is no way yours or mine either can be summed up with words.

I think that alone is reason enough to keep moving forward.

So to the future me...

Keep Walkin'


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