Category : emotions

There's something that I see quite a lot of Christians do (am pointing out Christians, as most of the people around me are Christian), and that is they're not interested in their current circumstances, or rather they don't focus on it a whole lot.

Which, maybe to other people, would come off as a very strange thing.
A lot of people say their way of thinking or belief is strange, unrealistic, not feasible or not practical.
This is especially true, since your circumstances are the evidence and summation of all the choices and decisions that you've made in life so far.

But, one thing that I've definitely learnt and can appreciate is that focusing on your current circumstances or environment, especially when something negative has happened, doesn't bear anything positive at all.

Circumstances are temporary and as permanent as they may feel or come across. They are not forever. (As anything made by humans, or concerning human beings is never forever).

Meditating on these thoughts today as I was walking home today really inspired me especially for my current situation.

One must learn not to focus on the situation or circumstance at hand, but must focus on the potential and possibilty that a circumstance can have. This is even more true for when you have an image of how you want your particular situation to pan out or to be.

It's this way of thinking that can really give you the strength you need to go through bad situations and create a stronger you, more focused, more determined, and more happy you.

Before anything, we're human.
Before gender, race, goals, futures, before anything we're human.

Two weeks have passed by; without realizing, without noticing, how much pressure I've been putting on myself, and how much I've been rejecting myself.

Thoughts such as "I can't forgive myself for wasting time here, I need to move on, I need to move forward, I need to excel, I need to be すごい, I need to impress, I need to be a better man, I need to be mature, I need to provide for my family, I need to be strong, I need to have my feelings in check, I need to be healthy, I need to be perfect, I need to be in control, I need to show progress, I need to master English, I need to be a man, guy, I need to be....I need to be..." filled my head everyday for these last couple of weeks without me noticing.

It's not a surprise that I broke down. I wasn't noticing the cracks that started appearing until everything broke like beautiful stained glass scattering across an ocean lit by fireworks.

And once I broke I still kept going like a car without fuel, still pushing, still driving, like something driven by a mad desire.

To the point where my mum reminded me, what happened to being happy? love yourself, be happy. Stop thinking so hard. Be yourself..

Those words hit me hard and what hit me harder was all the feelings of 必死-ness inside of me that began to break out, and as if it was my body's defense mechanism that activated, I shut down mentally and fell asleep for more than 12 hours.
Waking up with tears of frustration, because it finally hit me....

I'm not where I want to be and I can't be like certain people or like all the people around me that seem to be moving forward. Or the people that seem to be having fun and not caring about their surroundings, because I can only be me. This was scary because I didn't want to lose my place with any of them, especially my closest friend. The feeling of being alone suddenly became my greatest 敵 that I thought I defeated months ago and I became to reject and hate all of myself till I became empty like a bamboo shoot. I want to have knowledge like them, I want to talk and discuss with them, I want to be in that circle. I want to improve and mature like they do, I want to walk with them, joke with them. With that earnest feeling I began to hate myself even more.

and with my empty self, I fell asleep again for another 12+ hours.

「あーそうだ」 I thought to myself as I dreamt, I'd forgotten to smile, I'd forgotten to have fun, I'd forgotten why I was doing all of this, or maybe I just didn't want to accept the fact that I didn't know why I was doing it, I was angry that I wasn't accepting myself, and that I thought myself mentally was ugly. I tried to run before walking and I didn't have a destination to where I was running to.

Before I knew it, a part of my heart began to overflow, and without thinking I began to think and confess certain things to myself.

Before my heart could finish it's stream of uncontrolled, unfiltered thoughts and raw emotions, I stopped. I looked up at the night sky of infinite possibilities.

「こんなところで何してるんだろう」 I said quietly to myself...there's this big massive unknown world out there. [本当に何してるの俺」

I sat up from my bed and grabbed a cigarette, whilst listening to 残響のテロル「Dare ka, Umi wo.」.

I realized that I had become completely lost, and that feeling, that emotion, was being expressed in so many different ways.

I realized for the first time, in a long time. [ I didn't know what to do, and no one could actually help me apart from myself. ]

I was scared to take that first unplanned step of trying to make my journey in my life.
I was scared that it wasn't a perfect calculated plan that I dreamed of.

As I took my last toke of my cigarette, and blew into the early mist sky.

[ Fuck it, let's go ] , I said with a smile on my face.

I'm not sure if what I'm doing is right, I'm not sure of the right way to live, or the better way, or if I have knowledge, or if I understand people, or have any type of understanding at all, but if I'm not being happy, what's the point?

It seems like now I can't get through a day without the load of questions below:

To Someone Special To Me:
Why is it all I'm caring about is the attention I want from you?
Why can't I fully understand some of your feelings?
Why can't I accept and respect your feelings?
Why am I so hooked on you?
Why do I feel insecure around you?
Why can't I trust you and just move forward?
Why can't I just be normal in front of your family?
Why do I make everything so awkward?
What are you really to me?
Why am I so scared to lose you?
Why can't I be someone you can rely on, and be strong and cool?
Why can't I show you my good sides?
Why can't I be more normal to you?
Why can't I be more grateful?
Why do I constantly want to feel special to you?

To Those Around Me and Myself
Why am I so gifted yet I'm unable to meet the expectations set by people around me?
Why do I feel like I keep letting everyone and myself down? even when I haven't?
Why does everything feel like an attack on my confidence?
Why can't I focus on what is in front of me now?
Why am I scared to go back to my parent's hometown?
Why am I scared when people say I'm neither Black nor Japanese?
Why can't I feel what others are feelings?
Why can I not think of anything but myself?

It actually drives me crazy how much thinking I keep on doing, and about the most useless things sometimes, which suddenly can become so important that my world feels like it's tumbling down.

I can't remember what their name was, but there was a regular Chinese lady that delivered takeouts to my address. I usually don't strike up conversations with strangers, but since she started one I decided to lightly continue because I didn't want to be too rude, and I could actually do with a random conversation to take my mind off things.

It's funny that how even people from completely different backgrounds, can still experience a lot of the problems that you personally go through. So whilst talking about thoughts and actions, in her broken English she told me "less thinking, more action".

My immediate thoughts were, "lady, I don't think you know anything me to be saying that" but in actuality, she didn't need to know anything about me. There are sometimes were you just need to move yourself physically in order to help your mental and keep it focused.

As they say, actions speak louder than words.