It seems like now I can't get through a day without the load of questions below:
To Someone Special To Me: Why is it all I'm caring about is the attention I want from you? Why can't I fully understand some of your feelings? Why can't I accept and respect your feelings? Why am I so hooked on you? Why do I feel insecure around you? Why can't I trust you and just move forward? Why can't I just be normal in front of your family? Why do I make everything so awkward? What are you really to me? Why am I so scared to lose you? Why can't I be someone you can rely on, and be strong and cool? Why can't I show you my good sides? Why can't I be more normal to you? Why can't I be more grateful? Why do I constantly want to feel special to you? ...
To Those Around Me and Myself Why am I so gifted yet I'm unable to meet the expectations set by people around me? Why do I feel like I keep letting everyone and myself down? even when I haven't? Why does everything feel like an attack on my confidence? Why can't I focus on what is in front of me now? Why am I scared to go back to my parent's hometown? Why am I scared when people say I'm neither Black nor Japanese? Why can't I feel what others are feelings? Why can I not think of anything but myself? ...
It actually drives me crazy how much thinking I keep on doing, and about the most useless things sometimes, which suddenly can become so important that my world feels like it's tumbling down.
I can't remember what their name was, but there was a regular Chinese lady that delivered takeouts to my address. I usually don't strike up conversations with strangers, but since she started one I decided to lightly continue because I didn't want to be too rude, and I could actually do with a random conversation to take my mind off things.
It's funny that how even people from completely different backgrounds, can still experience a lot of the problems that you personally go through. So whilst talking about thoughts and actions, in her broken English she told me "less thinking, more action".
My immediate thoughts were, "lady, I don't think you know anything me to be saying that" but in actuality, she didn't need to know anything about me. There are sometimes were you just need to move yourself physically in order to help your mental and keep it focused.