Before anything, we're human. Before gender, race, goals, futures, before anything we're human.
Two weeks have passed by; without realizing, without noticing, how much pressure I've been putting on myself, and how much I've been rejecting myself.
Thoughts such as "I can't forgive myself for wasting time here, I need to move on, I need to move forward, I need to excel, I need to be すごい, I need to impress, I need to be a better man, I need to be mature, I need to provide for my family, I need to be strong, I need to have my feelings in check, I need to be healthy, I need to be perfect, I need to be in control, I need to show progress, I need to master English, I need to be a man, guy, I need to be....I need to be..." filled my head everyday for these last couple of weeks without me noticing.
It's not a surprise that I broke down. I wasn't noticing the cracks that started appearing until everything broke like beautiful stained glass scattering across an ocean lit by fireworks.
And once I broke I still kept going like a car without fuel, still pushing, still driving, like something driven by a mad desire.
To the point where my mum reminded me, what happened to being happy? love yourself, be happy. Stop thinking so hard. Be yourself..
Those words hit me hard and what hit me harder was all the feelings of 必死-ness inside of me that began to break out, and as if it was my body's defense mechanism that activated, I shut down mentally and fell asleep for more than 12 hours. Waking up with tears of frustration, because it finally hit me....
I'm not where I want to be and I can't be like certain people or like all the people around me that seem to be moving forward. Or the people that seem to be having fun and not caring about their surroundings, because I can only be me. This was scary because I didn't want to lose my place with any of them, especially my closest friend. The feeling of being alone suddenly became my greatest 敵 that I thought I defeated months ago and I became to reject and hate all of myself till I became empty like a bamboo shoot. I want to have knowledge like them, I want to talk and discuss with them, I want to be in that circle. I want to improve and mature like they do, I want to walk with them, joke with them. With that earnest feeling I began to hate myself even more.
and with my empty self, I fell asleep again for another 12+ hours.
「あーそうだ」 I thought to myself as I dreamt, I'd forgotten to smile, I'd forgotten to have fun, I'd forgotten why I was doing all of this, or maybe I just didn't want to accept the fact that I didn't know why I was doing it, I was angry that I wasn't accepting myself, and that I thought myself mentally was ugly. I tried to run before walking and I didn't have a destination to where I was running to.
Before I knew it, a part of my heart began to overflow, and without thinking I began to think and confess certain things to myself.
Before my heart could finish it's stream of uncontrolled, unfiltered thoughts and raw emotions, I stopped. I looked up at the night sky of infinite possibilities.
「こんなところで何してるんだろう」 I said quietly to myself...there's this big massive unknown world out there. [本当に何してるの俺」
I realized that I had become completely lost, and that feeling, that emotion, was being expressed in so many different ways.
I realized for the first time, in a long time. [ I didn't know what to do, and no one could actually help me apart from myself. ]
I was scared to take that first unplanned step of trying to make my journey in my life. I was scared that it wasn't a perfect calculated plan that I dreamed of.
As I took my last toke of my cigarette, and blew into the early mist sky.
[ Fuck it, let's go ] , I said with a smile on my face.
I'm not sure if what I'm doing is right, I'm not sure of the right way to live, or the better way, or if I have knowledge, or if I understand people, or have any type of understanding at all, but if I'm not being happy, what's the point?