These last two years have been a really exciting time for me.
I've been able to do what was holding me up so much in life, CHANGE.
I've started my personal business. I've started my graduate study. I've been to Japan and am going again this Summer. I've managed to begin to show confidence in things I do. I've changed jobs and now manage a team of 20+ people. I've managed to shake off people and things that were holding me back and have instead become someone that can support people now.
Even my friends and family are gradually starting to notice, but sadly, it's not the same for my online image.
And I think I know what the problem is: I care about people too much, I live for people online and not myself. I find myself constantly at the mercy of people's comments, moods and how I think they might feel. A completely personal choice I know, and no one is to blame.
To put it into context, if I'm online for about 10 minutes and I'm chatting or doing something in-game with people I care about, the following thought sequences can happen
- Who is currently online? Check the statues of everyone, is everyone stable, are they okay? Assess their initial moods in order to have a base level to do calculations later. - No changes in thought moods or Skype/Steam/Twitter status messages, assume everything is good atm. - This person has responded in this way, that must mean they are okay. - Does this person feel left out, they haven't said anything yet. - Is this person angry, frustrated, sad? I need to re-read everything they've said to try and understand. - I think this person might feel offended somehow, what has happened in the last five minutes analyze all chats and actions. - This person said they were feeling down before when this type of situation arises, so need to avoid that. - This person has said something to offend another person, I need to calm the situation down unnoticed. - Has there been about any changes in mood patterns, speech, words, actions? Is everyone happy and good? - This person is drawing away attention to another point which will hurt someone, need to calmly bring it back. - This person seems troubled about something how can I find out to help without being nosy and help. - This person's actions and words aren't matching up, did something happen, quickly replay the last 10 minutes. - This person has been quiet for some while, and avoiding, I need to make sure to PM later. - The atmosphere seems stable at the moment, be sure to recalculate in another 5-10 minutes. - and some days it can be a lot more intense than this to the point that interacting online becomes tiring, and exhausting.
While I think it's a good thing to care for people, it's bad if:
- People see you as someone who always puts people first - You are unable to actually put yourself first and be who you are.
So, online I've decided to concentrate more on myself, and get things done that I've been wanting to do for months even years :)